I'm Back!!!!

Not like you know me....

But I'm back.

Let me start this thing off with the truth.

My life is boring. Painfully boring.

Not that I'd ever consider cutting the cord to this living thing, but it's boring.

Mundane.

Zebella, (arabic for garbage) as my name suggests.

I may be depressed, or schizophrenic, or manic depressive, or ADD, or ADHD.

I may have some sort of brain disorder that bars me from simple enjoyments of life, I don't know, but I've decided, although this time won't be the last, that this shit's going to change.

Yeah, right.

We'll see.

I've written blogs before, but they eventually become dreams.

Loosely based on the occurences of my life, with disturbing stretches of reality, ommittances of key facts, and flagrant fabrications. I become a character far from the truth. Superhuman, capable of overcoming seemingly insurmountable obstacles. What I seem to wish was my life, my personality, my world.

This is good for exploring parts of yourself that are usually hidden from view. Stepping into a careful persona with a reality capable of explaining the world (you'd) like to, but perhaps are too scared to do. It's easy to "be yourself" and say what you wish when the ramifications don't fall upon you entirely.

"It's a character"... It's not me.

After all... I wouldn't say those things. I have tact. I have manners.

Well.

Fuck tact. Fuck manners. If you're here for those things... Fuck you.

(you didn't see that coming from a mile away did you?)

It's hard when you get "fans", people who read your thoughts religiously, who attempt to get to know "you" better. I think that's what has ultimately led me here. I'm going to create my own voice. I'm tired of writing for hours and carefully placing each word and each idea to keep congruent with a figment.

While my life is, day by day, withering away.

While I don't have any idea who "I" am yet.

I'm 25.

I'm going back to school this semester to finish up. I'll be majoring in Arabic this time around. (and no, not so I can translate for Bush)

I work in retail.

I write poetry. Not very often.

Nonetheless, I'd say it's decent.

I've had a lot of girlfriends, but I don't think I've ever really been in love.

I have a lot of friends, but very few of them do anything important or noteworthy.

I barely go out anymore.

I just sit.

Around.

And waste.

Away.

But it's gonna change.

(as negative as this entry is, I'm actually a very positive person... I just wanted to be honest and point out all my flaws for once... You'll see...)

Whoever's reading this, I love you for travelling with me.